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Lesson 3

Building Disciples

 

Proverbs 13:1 “A wise son accepts his father’s discipline.”

 

Proverbs 12:1 “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge but he who hates reproof is stupid.”

 

Scripture teaches that discipline is needed and it is a way that parents show that they

love their children. Discipline is what develops in our children the character and

maturity to be wise adults. As christian parents, our desire is for our children to grow

and be committed followers of Jesus Christ. This can be a difficult task especially in a

world that can fight so hard against the the principals of Christianity.

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Discipline is challenging too because no two children are the same. What works for one

child will often not be effective for another. As parents we constantly have to evaluate

the different learning styles of each child. This is time consuming, mentally exhausting,

and requires constant attention.

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Frank and I both have education in psychology and working with special needs children.

We were familiar with the programs that schools use to help shape behavior in the students

that come to them with particular needs.

I was the mom of three children at this time, a baby, a 2 year old and a 3 year old. My 2 year

old son was trying my patience! It seemed like when ever I turned around he was getting

into mischief and doing things he knew were not permitted. On one particular day as Frank

got home from work, I met him at the door with the demand that that night we sit down and

develop a behavior modification program for our son.

I confess that as a young mom it was all about behavior. I felt like if the kids behaved well

then that meant I was a good parent and if they did not then I was failing as a mom.

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Colossians 3:21 “Fathers, do not exasperate your children so they will not loose heart.”

 

The Bible gives this warning, also, as we discipline. Never should our discipline cause

great frustration for our children.

Yes, we are shapers of behavior but it is most important to speak to our children’s

hearts. We don’t want our children to loose heart. It actually is easy to change behavior.

Coercion, punishment for bad behavior, bribes for good behavior can all create a desired

behavior but has it changed the motivation of the heart? We want to develop in our

children a heart for what is good.

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The Bible calls it making disciples. Discipline is really discipleship. Discipline is about

training and mentoring and teaching, not just punishing.

 

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As Frank and I talked about our son”s behavior we were able to look honestly at the situation. We

tried to peer into his heart to understand why he was acting in such a way. We realized that his

older sister got a lot of attention because she could do more than him. His younger sister was

getting plenty of attention because she was a baby and needy. The attention that our son was

getting was..............well...........negative attention because of his misbehavior.

We did implement a plan but when we saw that we needed to give him more positive attention the

negative behavior stopped. The behavior modification program was unnecessary.

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Children need training. They will make foolish choices just because they are children,

not because you are a bad parent. The Bible says that foolishness is bound in the heart of

a child. Childishness. We are not to be surprised that children do not think as adults!

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There are some techniques that are helpful:

1. Love love love

    All our discipline must come from the motivation of love. If we discipline out of anger

    or frustration we are not going to be successful. We must love even if our children

    are not being lovable. It is crucial that children see that love. They may not

    Understand at the moment but it will reap a harvest of righteousness.

2. Model Godly behavior. Don’t be a hypocrite. Be authentic in your own Christian walk.

    children can spot a hypocrite a mile away. Seek to be real with your children. Don’t

    act one way on Sundays or in front of outsiders and then be different at home.

3. Hold to the standard of Christ in the home

    Have high standards for your children as long as they are attainable for their given

    age.

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I was having a difficult time encouraging my son to improve in his penmanship. He was a very

smart child with an amazing memory but he was quick and sloppy in his work. I tried many things

to get his behavior to change; punishment, lectures on the value of excellent work, and more.

Finally, I thought I would appeal to his heart. I sat with him and suggested that he had been given

so much from God, his intelligent mind, his abilities, and the opportunity to learn. I shared that he

might not be honoring God with his careless work. What did it say to His heavenly Father when

he offered sloppy work knowing that he was capable of doing so much better?

1 Corinthians 10:31

Instead of just changing behavior, this was successful in shaping his heart to be more honoring to

God. As a result, his penmanship did improve.

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4. Respect respect respect.

    Feelings are real. Model appropriate conflict resolution skills. Don’t allow calling

    names or “You always "or “you never” statements. Instead share “I feel “statements.

    Talk out issues instead of avoiding the hard conversations and let everyone be heard.

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I confess as a young mom I did a lot of yelling. I like to think that as I grew as a Christian the volume

of my voice decreased. As the Holy Spirit was working on my heart I feel I improved in this area. I

did ,however, try hard to speak respectfully to my children. I remember some of them at different

times sharing with me that they could not believe how some of their friends and their parents spoke

to each other. So I guess we were pretty good at maintaining respect for each other.

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5. Give clear, understandable, and doable instructions to children.

6. Give clear, understandable, and doable consequences to children and don’t cave!

   Children must know that you mean what you say. As soon as you give in you loose

   your authority. Make sure you can carry out what you say.

7. Sacrifice temporary fixes for long term solutions.

 

Hebrews 12:11-13 All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.”

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Establish early your authority as a parent by being consistent and clear with your

children. Don’t just give in because it is easy. Take the time to discipline when the

children are young. It makes life so much easier as they grow.

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8. Lastly, be a humble, grace-filled parent. Admit when you have been wrong. Ask

    your children for forgiveness when you have sinned against them. Be real in front

    of your family.

 

I desire to encourage you as moms and sometimes that means helping you learn from my mistakes.

I recently learned that one of my daughters felt we did not have a great mother daughter relationship

while she was growing up. This was very hard for me to hear because I never believed that any of

my children would feel this way but her feeling are valid and real. She was a quiet child and

struggled with insecurities as she grew. She feels that she was missed in many ways. As we are

working to be honest with each other and heal some of these hurts from her childhood I have grieved

that I lacked in this area with her.

In many of her impressionable years I was struggling with personal challenges that did consume me

at times. Although this is not an excuse, it may have made it easy for me to have overlooked her

quiet pain.

I share this with you so that you can evaluate how you are doing with connecting with your children.

Take time to communicate with your kids, be aware of their struggles, and push out of your own

issues to see their hearts.

I asked her permission to share this with you and asked what she would advise. I think her response

was really empowering. She said, “I would encourage them not to be afraid of getting

it wrong but to be willing to see it and want to restore where it’s needed. Engaging someone’s heart

requires time and space.” And I would add grace!

 

STUDY QUESTIONS

 

1. In what ways do you struggle with disciplining your children?

2. Do you find that you and your spouse are united in disciplining children?

3. How can you improve in connecting with your children’s hearts?

WOMEN’S ROLES

LESSON 2

GAINING UNDERSTANDING

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As a young christian I once attended a ladies rally. I was so impressed with the speaker that day and although I can not remember her name or where she was from, I clung to a phrase she used and it has been a blessing in my life for many years. She spoke of dealing with difficult people in her life and how God had worked through those situations. Her words weren’t earth shattering and you may say it was not that profound but it pierced me to the heart. She said, “When dealing with people we must always seek to gain understanding.” There are reasons why people act the way they do. Instead of labeling someone and judging quickly, seek to understand their lives, their hearts and your feelings often soften and change.

I have thought about that so often as the years go by and it has helped me in my relationships as I seek to know someone and love someone. In my youth it was easy to quickly make a determination about someone and not put any effort into understanding them.

As wives and mothers God has given us a unique role of helper, as we examined in the last lesson. He has also equipped women with certain qualities to cause them to excel in this role.

GENERAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Men are very compartmentalized. They tend to think of one thing at a time. God has designed men to be protectors, providers, and they are task oriented. Women, on the other hand can think of multiple things at the same time and are better at multi tasking. Women are designed to be nurturers and can feel deeply for others. God asks us to have our primary focus on managing the home while men’s primary role is leadership and provision.

Women tend to be better communicators when it comes to the emotions. While men can set tasks and accomplish them, it often doesn’t take into account the feelings surrounding the action.

Of course there are exceptions but as a general rule these things are true.

Because women are gifted with these tender qualities I believe that we can set the tone in our homes and be that safe place for our family. If we take the time to “gain understanding” with our husbands, and our children we can foster healthy relationships within the home.

The opposite is also true. When we lack understanding of each other there is no peace.

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We adopted our foster son after he had been with us for 4 years. He was 8 years old. He had been taken out of his home at 4 years old due to his mother’s lack of ability to care for him well. At the time the state did not impress upon us the importance of therapy, and the challenges of attachment under these circumstances. As I look back we were not prepared for the difficulties that were inevitably coming. We did not have understanding, nor were we encouraged to gain understanding.

At 18 he left home and I was devastated. He no longer called me mom and all I felt was hurt. I had given so much and this was the way he thanked me? Lack of understanding lead to no peace, and anger, and broken relationships.
We sought help from a counselor and she was able to shed light on our situation. She explained what was going on in our son’s mind and heart and I was able to understand. I could love deeper and patiently wait until he grew through his emotions.

I wish I had known. I wish I had been prepared. I wish I had gained understanding sooner. God has healed and restored our relationship and I will always be mom now. I praise Him for being the God of restoration. But the lack of understanding caused pain for years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are called to be helpers. We spoke about how we are to help as God helps. I also think that God can be our example also as we seek to understand.

Our God knows us intimately!

Psalm 139: 1-4 “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You discern my thoughts from afar...even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.”

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Nahum 1:7. “The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble, He knows those who take refuge in Him.”

He knows our daily routines. He understands our thoughts. He is aware of our needs. We are fully known and loved by our Heavenly Father.

We can seek understanding in the same way.

Prov. 3:13. “Blessed is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding.”

Prov 16:16 “How much better to get wisdom than gold! To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.”

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Matt. 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers for they should be called the children of God”

Hebrews 12:14 “Pursue peace with everyone, as well as holiness, without which no one will see the Lord.”

Rom. 14:19. “So then, let us pursue what leads to peace and to mutual edification.”

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HAVING YOUR FINGER ON THE PULSE OF YOUR FAMILY

 

1.) Take the time to communicate with family members individually about their thoughts, desires, and struggles. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Show compassion and interest as they share. (This is more important than any household chore that needs to be done.)

 

2.) Find opportunities to grow as a couple. Attend events that focus on marriage. Read books together. Watch helpful podcasts.

 

3.) As you face behaviors that upset you seek to find out what is going on underneath. Don’t react right away before you pray and ponder what might be causing such behavior.

 

4.) Educate yourself with material that can enlighten you to the psychology of behavior. Our past experiences make us what we are. As we understand what may have contributed to our behavior it helps us find ways to change.

 

5.) Don’t be ashamed to admit we struggle. But don’t be closed to the fact that God can heal.

 

6.) Realize that it is a great calling to be the one who helps people understand. It is also a great burden. It takes sacrifice to put others first instead of just blaming and being angry. Selfishness will want to creep in and must be fought!

 

7.) It is exhausting sometimes. Have a trusted person in your life who can partner with you in prayer over your relationships.

 

8.) Remember that it is all worth it. It is worth every tear, every hard conversation, every feeling of rejection, every sleepless night to be the one who relentlessly seeks understanding, peace and love. There will be eternal blessings!

 

Galatians 6 : 7-10 “Do not be deceived; God is not to be mocked. Whatever a man sows, he will reap in return. The one who sows to please his flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; but the one who sows to please the Spirit, from Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to the family of faith.”

 

Some suggestions for resources

How We Love.                                                                                                Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Laugh your way to a better Marriage The Grace Marriage                        Mark Gungor

The Grace Marriage                                                                                       Brad and Marilyn Rhoads

You and Me Forever                                                                                       Francis and Lisa Chan                                                         

 5 Love Languages                                                                                        Gary Chapman


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