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Lesson 1

How We Talk

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"...For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart.  The good man brings out of his good treasure what is good; and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil.  But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgement.  For by your words you will be justified and by your words you will be condemned."

Matthew 12:34

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"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear."

Ephesians 4:29

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"Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin,"

Proverbs 13:3

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"Know this, my beloved brothers; let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger..."

James 1:19

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"Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer each person."

Colossians 4:6

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"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Proverbs 15:1

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"To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people."

Titus 3:2

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"Death and life are in the power of the tongue..."

Proverbs 18:21

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"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."

Proverbs 31:26

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A verse that can be our daily prayer-

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"Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips."

Psalm 141:3

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The Bible has much to say about the way we are to talk.  In the few verses written here we can see that our words can hurt or heal and can even  bring life or death.  I am sure we all have an example of when the words someone said to us encouraged our spirit.  I am also sure that we have other examples of the true pain we felt over a careless spoken word.

I love how Proverbs 31 describes the ideal women.  One of her attributes is carefully spoken words. Words of wisdom and kindness are seen in her life.

 

By taking to heart the instruction in Titus 2:3 to not be women of untruth and slander, we can work on controlling our speech so to bring blessings to all who hear us.  Think of how we feel when we are around that negative person who never seems to have anything kind to say and contrast that with your favorite encourager.  Who would you rather be? Who would your children rather you be and who would your husband rather live with?

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Let's consider our speech in 5 areas.

1. How we speak to and about ourselves

2. How we speak to and about our husbands

3. How we speak to and about our children

4. How we speak to and about the church

5. How we speak to and about others

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In Lesson 1 of the Building Myself Series we spoke about how negative self talk can be a destroyer. We can be so unkind to ourselves.  As a result we unintentionally teach our children to be negative people as well.  Viewing ourselves as God views us is the way to combat the problem of putting ourselves down. Refer to Lesson 1 for more help.

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I urge you to consider how you speak to and about your husband.  There is nothing more offensive in my opinion than a woman who openly criticizes her husband in public.  It is so degrading and ugly.  Proverbs 31:12 says that the wife of noble character will do her husband good, not harm, all the days of her life.  And in 1 Peter 4:8, the scripture says that we are to love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins.  Our husbands, like us have flaws and sins that can be difficult to deal with but the public shaming of our spouses is not a way to deal with difficulty.   It is easy to take for granted the ones we love the most and I believe we can fall into the trap of disrespect if we are not careful to guard our mouth.

 

Our speech has the ability to tear down or build up.  The way we speak to our children can either bring safety and peace to their lives or fear and uncertainty.  Parenting can be a very frustrating thing and it is easy to loose our temper.  I can't tell you how many times I had to repent over my careless words to my children.  A quick temper and harsh words can last a very long time.  They are not easily forgotten.

Take time to stay silent when you are frustrated long enough to pray and carefully consider what should be said in any given situation. If this is an area that is difficult for you, ask a friend to be a help to you.  She can pray for you and be available to advise and encourage you in times of weakness.

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Another area where our speech can help or hurt is in how we talk about the Church.  God calls the Church His bride and I am sure He does not like to hear people talking negatively about His beloved.  As with anything else, the church is filled with imperfect people who mess up and sin.  If difficult conversations need to happen I encourage you to be careful how you speak of the church and its leaders.  Truth must be accompanied by love.  Respect and honor should be given to all people.  How we speak about the body of Christ shows our love and honor for God's people. Consider how your conversations about the Church are influencing your children. God is not pleased when we badmouth anyone, especially His children.

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Lastly,  as representatives of Christ, be careful how you talk to others.  Our speech can either

 give good gifts or destructive gifts.  Our speech can teach our children to develop a heart of compassion toward others or a critical spirit.  We can model for our children how to see the soul of a person as God does or our action can model a deceitful spirit.   We can speak as one who is filled with grace or we can elevate self by putting others down.   We can encourage others to be the best they can be for the Lord or we can teach our children to have a thirst for drama and gossip.  And when we fall short in our speech we can either justify our poor behavior or we can demonstrate for our children how to repent and ask for forgiveness.  We can show them that you can heal injuries caused by the tongue. It is all a choice to control our tongue.

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Pray daily Psalm 141:3 and the Lord who loves us will honor our prayers.  The Holy Spirit will develop in us kindness and patience and gentleness and self control.

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WOMEN’S ROLES

LESSON 2

GAINING UNDERSTANDING

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As a young christian I once attended a ladies rally. I was so impressed with the speaker that day and although I can not remember her name or where she was from, I clung to a phrase she used and it has been a blessing in my life for many years. She spoke of dealing with difficult people in her life and how God had worked through those situations. Her words weren’t earth shattering and you may say it was not that profound but it pierced me to the heart. She said, “When dealing with people we must always seek to gain understanding.” There are reasons why people act the way they do. Instead of labeling someone and judging quickly, seek to understand their lives, their hearts and your feelings often soften and change.

I have thought about that so often as the years go by and it has helped me in my relationships as I seek to know someone and love someone. In my youth it was easy to quickly make a determination about someone and not put any effort into understanding them.

As wives and mothers God has given us a unique role of helper, as we examined in the last lesson. He has also equipped women with certain qualities to cause them to excel in this role.

GENERAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Men are very compartmentalized. They tend to think of one thing at a time. God has designed men to be protectors, providers, and they are task oriented. Women, on the other hand can think of multiple things at the same time and are better at multi tasking. Women are designed to be nurturers and can feel deeply for others. God asks us to have our primary focus on managing the home while men’s primary role is leadership and provision.

Women tend to be better communicators when it comes to the emotions. While men can set tasks and accomplish them, it often doesn’t take into account the feelings surrounding the action.

Of course there are exceptions but as a general rule these things are true.

Because women are gifted with these tender qualities I believe that we can set the tone in our homes and be that safe place for our family. If we take the time to “gain understanding” with our husbands, and our children we can foster healthy relationships within the home.

The opposite is also true. When we lack understanding of each other there is no peace.

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We adopted our foster son after he had been with us for 4 years. He was 8 years old. He had been taken out of his home at 4 years old due to his mother’s lack of ability to care for him well. At the time the state did not impress upon us the importance of therapy, and the challenges of attachment under these circumstances. As I look back we were not prepared for the difficulties that were inevitably coming. We did not have understanding, nor were we encouraged to gain understanding.

At 18 he left home and I was devastated. He no longer called me mom and all I felt was hurt. I had given so much and this was the way he thanked me? Lack of understanding lead to no peace, and anger, and broken relationships.
We sought help from a counselor and she was able to shed light on our situation. She explained what was going on in our son’s mind and heart and I was able to understand. I could love deeper and patiently wait until he grew through his emotions.

I wish I had known. I wish I had been prepared. I wish I had gained understanding sooner. God has healed and restored our relationship and I will always be mom now. I praise Him for being the God of restoration. But the lack of understanding caused pain for years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are called to be helpers. We spoke about how we are to help as God helps. I also think that God can be our example also as we seek to understand.

Our God knows us intimately!

Psalm 139: 1-4 “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You discern my thoughts from afar...even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.”

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Nahum 1:7. “The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble, He knows those who take refuge in Him.”

He knows our daily routines. He understands our thoughts. He is aware of our needs. We are fully known and loved by our Heavenly Father.

We can seek understanding in the same way.

Prov. 3:13. “Blessed is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding.”

Prov 16:16 “How much better to get wisdom than gold! To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.”

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Matt. 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers for they should be called the children of God”

Hebrews 12:14 “Pursue peace with everyone, as well as holiness, without which no one will see the Lord.”

Rom. 14:19. “So then, let us pursue what leads to peace and to mutual edification.”

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HAVING YOUR FINGER ON THE PULSE OF YOUR FAMILY

 

1.) Take the time to communicate with family members individually about their thoughts, desires, and struggles. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Show compassion and interest as they share. (This is more important than any household chore that needs to be done.)

 

2.) Find opportunities to grow as a couple. Attend events that focus on marriage. Read books together. Watch helpful podcasts.

 

3.) As you face behaviors that upset you seek to find out what is going on underneath. Don’t react right away before you pray and ponder what might be causing such behavior.

 

4.) Educate yourself with material that can enlighten you to the psychology of behavior. Our past experiences make us what we are. As we understand what may have contributed to our behavior it helps us find ways to change.

 

5.) Don’t be ashamed to admit we struggle. But don’t be closed to the fact that God can heal.

 

6.) Realize that it is a great calling to be the one who helps people understand. It is also a great burden. It takes sacrifice to put others first instead of just blaming and being angry. Selfishness will want to creep in and must be fought!

 

7.) It is exhausting sometimes. Have a trusted person in your life who can partner with you in prayer over your relationships.

 

8.) Remember that it is all worth it. It is worth every tear, every hard conversation, every feeling of rejection, every sleepless night to be the one who relentlessly seeks understanding, peace and love. There will be eternal blessings!

 

Galatians 6 : 7-10 “Do not be deceived; God is not to be mocked. Whatever a man sows, he will reap in return. The one who sows to please his flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; but the one who sows to please the Spirit, from Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to the family of faith.”

 

Some suggestions for resources

How We Love.                                                                                                Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Laugh your way to a better Marriage The Grace Marriage                        Mark Gungor

The Grace Marriage                                                                                       Brad and Marilyn Rhoads

You and Me Forever                                                                                       Francis and Lisa Chan                                                         

 5 Love Languages                                                                                        Gary Chapman


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