Be strong and courageous

It was one of the most beautiful winter days that I had seen in a while. The air was amazingly crisp and

the snow began to fall gently. It was Sunday and my mom slept in her hospital bed on the first

floor of my house. Her body was weak and she, who once was a strong fighter, could no

longer keep death away. She was tired and her time had come to give into the reality that the

Lord was calling her home. Just the day before we had a moment to connect.

As I was administering medication to keep her comfortable, she gently asked me,”Are you

ok?” “Mom,” I replied,“Yes I am ok. We are all just fine. You are a good mom. You have done

your job well. It is time for you to rest. We are fine and we love you!” Her face reflected peace

as she closed her eyes and said,”good.”

Caring for my mom in the days before this Sunday was stressful. Keeping her comfortable

and looking for signs that the end was close weighed heavily on my heart. I needed to be with

the church family that morning. I needed to praise and worship the Lord of my heart that day.

A nurse arrived to sit with mom as I left for church. I knew there was a chance she would slip

into eternity while I was gone but I felt no guilt. If that happened it would be ok. I had been

with her in her life and right before I left that morning mom had given me the most beautiful,

big, amazing smile.

My caregiving journey began about six years earlier when my mom suffered a mini stroke.

After that she endured heart surgery, back surgery, multiple falls and rehabilitation admissions,

internal bleeding and congestive heart failure. Our family was thrust into the difficult role of

caring for my mom. The burden fell on me because my brothers did not live near by. I was still

parenting, home educating, and preparing our eighteen year old for college. I found that this

pulling in multiple directions was so very difficult. Making healthcare decisions for mom was all

consuming. No one prepares you for the role reversal of caregiving. Being a parent to your

parent is unique. And as lovely as my mom could be, she also could be very difficult and

manipulative. I learned the hard way that the primary caregiver often gets the worst treatment.

Balancing all these emotions was a daunting task.

My commitment to care for my mom began even earlier. When my parents moved to

Delaware in the late 1990’s their health was beginning to fail. At that time I told my mom that I

believed very strongly that it was my duty to care for her as she aged and said as long as I was

able, I was committed to take care of her. I feel the Bible teaches that if we do not care for the

members of our family we deny our faith. (1 Tim 5:8) In the years that followed we assisted my

mom as she cared for her ailing second husband. She was valiant in her role as caregiver and

we supported her the best we could.

I admit that holding to this commitment was hard. This role as caregiver is difficult

physically, mentally, and spiritually as I wrestled with the realities of what I was committed to. I

wondered if I could carry it to the end. I felt weak, bitter and exhausted. I felt like I was failing

as a parent because so many of my hours were dedicated to my mom. I asked a great deal of

my family and they sacrificed so much.

At the same time, I loved my mom. She dedicated so much to me and our family, enduring

a difficult first marriage, the death of my father, and always working to see that our dreams

were realized. She was a good mom, a loyal friend, and gave liberally to others. I wanted to

give her a lovely, comfortable end to her life. I wanted to care for her in a way that honored her.

Many prayers, conversations and tears were a part of these years. I questioned almost every

day if I had what it takes to see this through.

As I drove home on that lovely January Sunday, returning from a time of worship and

encouragement with my church family I was refreshed. The snow was outstandingly beautiful

and I could not contain my joy in the beauty that was all around me. My home was warm,

peaceful and soft music was playing in my mom’s room. Mom was sleeping and beginning to

show signs that the end was approaching. I was at peace and went to rest myself.

Unsure of how to gauge the signs of the end of life I requested that a hospice nurse come

to evaluate my mom’s condition. This sweet young woman braved the winter weather and

arrived to advise me but could not predict how much time we had left before mom would pass.

I continued to watch mom as the nurse left.

As I stood by her bedside, something told me to call my husband to the room. I placed my

hand on my mother’s chest and the beautiful woman in front of me took a deep last breath and

let in out slowly as she slipped out into eternity. She was gone. The journey had come to

completion. Our hospice nurse had not even made it to the end of the driveway before we had

to call her back.

This moment was one of the most inspiring moments of my life. God’s message to me was

crystal clear. He had seen me through to the end! He had gone before me. He knew as I was

hurting, confused, scared and trying so hard to fulfill my commitment to my mom that He had

planned all along to give me this moment; this moment that said,”all is well.” He had carried

me all along the way even when I didn’t think it was going to work. When I felt weak and

insignificant, God knew of this monumental moment when my mom would be surrounded by

my love and we would finish strong.

I also felt God impress on me that these were the BIG moments of life. We all seek to bring

something to this life, to contribute in some way to the world and the Kingdom. It is easy to

feel like you haven’t done much. Only a few can be famous, or have public accomplishments,

grand ministries or multi million dollar companies. As good as these are, God also values the

BIG, little moments like the one I experienced on that snowy, January evening. He values the

small moments of the heart when one gives to another. When one soul is cherished. When

one is reminded that God was in it all along.

After experiencing this, my prayer is that I will remember God’s promise when the next hard

task is facing me.

“The Lord, Himself goes before you and will be with you. He will never leave you nor forsake

you. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

As Moses was preparing to die he encouraged Joshua with these words. Moses passed

the charge to Joshua to lead the people of Israel across the Jordan. His message was, “Be

strong and courageous because God goes before you.”

When the task is God’s will, you can count on the fact that God is with you. He clears the

way. He sees the end. He will carry you. (Phil 1:6)

I pray that all our lives will be filled with these BIG, little, monumental moments. Moments

where God demonstrates that He was there all along.