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Season of Sad

  • Jan 13, 2024
  • 3 min read

Updated: Jan 18, 2024




Little did I know when I wrote my last blog entitled "I Don't Do Sad", that my husband and I would be embarking on a season of sad ourselves. In ministry our hearts walk through many trials with the congregation we serve and love like our own family. We have held many hands, given many hugs, and opened listening ears to many who needed a hearing. We have buried many friends, embraced the mourning, counseled many hurting parents, and labored over prayers offered to God on behalf of our beloved brothers and sisters. We have cried over lost faith, sinful choices and those who have seemed to abandon us in the service of Christ. Our hearts have been broken over and over again yet the mountain top experiences still come. God is still faithful and He never leaves his broken hearted alone and without encouragement. It is much like motherhood. The love is indescribable, the joys are unbelievable, yet being a mom can bring such sadness.

Motherhood begins with this amazing totally dependent human being who every second is relying on you for his or her entire existence. I am often struck when I hold a new born infant and gaze into her eyes at the pure innocence and vulnerability that is before me. The monumental responsibility we have to care for this little person is overwhelming sometimes and I am filled with awe at the gift of these people we are entrusted with. But year in and year out sadness creeps in. Each time this child needs me a little less it breaks a piece of my heart. When I heard the words "me do" I was proud but sad.

When my children learned to tie their own shoes, chose their own clothes to wear, accomplished their own goals, spent the day with friends, left for college and so on my heart was so excited and proud but sad at the same time.

I have experienced the infant stage, adolescence, teenager, and now adult children stage and I had no idea how sad the passing of time with your children can be. How fast it flies and I am shocked by the feelings that are left. Oh no doubt there are plenty of mountain top experiences. Plenty of pride and joy in seeing your kids thrive and make great choices and loving and serving the Lord. I am so happy for the lives that they are living and love to brag on them all the time. But no one ever prepped me for the sadness that overtakes me when you no longer can do life together on the day to day. It rips you apart.

At the same time we at this age also deal with the loss of our parents. We are caught between the feelings of loss on either end of the spectrum. We no longer are parenting our children but now parent our parents. What a weird place to be and how sad it is.

Hold your moments carefully, moms. Love deeply. Appreciate the chaos. Cherish the annoyances. Let the little people bug you because one day they will not need to bug you. Hug long and hard while they are there to give you hugs. Let it all sink into your hearts and minds.

And in the sad remember this, The Lord is near to the broken hearted. Mixed with the joys of life are the sad moments. If something is sad when it ends then it must have been pretty amazing while it was happening. The amazing will sure outshine the sadness.


 
 
 

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WOMEN’S ROLES

LESSON 2

GAINING UNDERSTANDING

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As a young christian I once attended a ladies rally. I was so impressed with the speaker that day and although I can not remember her name or where she was from, I clung to a phrase she used and it has been a blessing in my life for many years. She spoke of dealing with difficult people in her life and how God had worked through those situations. Her words weren’t earth shattering and you may say it was not that profound but it pierced me to the heart. She said, “When dealing with people we must always seek to gain understanding.” There are reasons why people act the way they do. Instead of labeling someone and judging quickly, seek to understand their lives, their hearts and your feelings often soften and change.

I have thought about that so often as the years go by and it has helped me in my relationships as I seek to know someone and love someone. In my youth it was easy to quickly make a determination about someone and not put any effort into understanding them.

As wives and mothers God has given us a unique role of helper, as we examined in the last lesson. He has also equipped women with certain qualities to cause them to excel in this role.

GENERAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Men are very compartmentalized. They tend to think of one thing at a time. God has designed men to be protectors, providers, and they are task oriented. Women, on the other hand can think of multiple things at the same time and are better at multi tasking. Women are designed to be nurturers and can feel deeply for others. God asks us to have our primary focus on managing the home while men’s primary role is leadership and provision.

Women tend to be better communicators when it comes to the emotions. While men can set tasks and accomplish them, it often doesn’t take into account the feelings surrounding the action.

Of course there are exceptions but as a general rule these things are true.

Because women are gifted with these tender qualities I believe that we can set the tone in our homes and be that safe place for our family. If we take the time to “gain understanding” with our husbands, and our children we can foster healthy relationships within the home.

The opposite is also true. When we lack understanding of each other there is no peace.

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We adopted our foster son after he had been with us for 4 years. He was 8 years old. He had been taken out of his home at 4 years old due to his mother’s lack of ability to care for him well. At the time the state did not impress upon us the importance of therapy, and the challenges of attachment under these circumstances. As I look back we were not prepared for the difficulties that were inevitably coming. We did not have understanding, nor were we encouraged to gain understanding.

At 18 he left home and I was devastated. He no longer called me mom and all I felt was hurt. I had given so much and this was the way he thanked me? Lack of understanding lead to no peace, and anger, and broken relationships.
We sought help from a counselor and she was able to shed light on our situation. She explained what was going on in our son’s mind and heart and I was able to understand. I could love deeper and patiently wait until he grew through his emotions.

I wish I had known. I wish I had been prepared. I wish I had gained understanding sooner. God has healed and restored our relationship and I will always be mom now. I praise Him for being the God of restoration. But the lack of understanding caused pain for years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are called to be helpers. We spoke about how we are to help as God helps. I also think that God can be our example also as we seek to understand.

Our God knows us intimately!

Psalm 139: 1-4 “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You discern my thoughts from afar...even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.”

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Nahum 1:7. “The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble, He knows those who take refuge in Him.”

He knows our daily routines. He understands our thoughts. He is aware of our needs. We are fully known and loved by our Heavenly Father.

We can seek understanding in the same way.

Prov. 3:13. “Blessed is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding.”

Prov 16:16 “How much better to get wisdom than gold! To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.”

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Matt. 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers for they should be called the children of God”

Hebrews 12:14 “Pursue peace with everyone, as well as holiness, without which no one will see the Lord.”

Rom. 14:19. “So then, let us pursue what leads to peace and to mutual edification.”

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HAVING YOUR FINGER ON THE PULSE OF YOUR FAMILY

 

1.) Take the time to communicate with family members individually about their thoughts, desires, and struggles. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Show compassion and interest as they share. (This is more important than any household chore that needs to be done.)

 

2.) Find opportunities to grow as a couple. Attend events that focus on marriage. Read books together. Watch helpful podcasts.

 

3.) As you face behaviors that upset you seek to find out what is going on underneath. Don’t react right away before you pray and ponder what might be causing such behavior.

 

4.) Educate yourself with material that can enlighten you to the psychology of behavior. Our past experiences make us what we are. As we understand what may have contributed to our behavior it helps us find ways to change.

 

5.) Don’t be ashamed to admit we struggle. But don’t be closed to the fact that God can heal.

 

6.) Realize that it is a great calling to be the one who helps people understand. It is also a great burden. It takes sacrifice to put others first instead of just blaming and being angry. Selfishness will want to creep in and must be fought!

 

7.) It is exhausting sometimes. Have a trusted person in your life who can partner with you in prayer over your relationships.

 

8.) Remember that it is all worth it. It is worth every tear, every hard conversation, every feeling of rejection, every sleepless night to be the one who relentlessly seeks understanding, peace and love. There will be eternal blessings!

 

Galatians 6 : 7-10 “Do not be deceived; God is not to be mocked. Whatever a man sows, he will reap in return. The one who sows to please his flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; but the one who sows to please the Spirit, from Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to the family of faith.”

 

Some suggestions for resources

How We Love.                                                                                                Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Laugh your way to a better Marriage The Grace Marriage                        Mark Gungor

The Grace Marriage                                                                                       Brad and Marilyn Rhoads

You and Me Forever                                                                                       Francis and Lisa Chan                                                         

 5 Love Languages                                                                                        Gary Chapman


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