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Lesson 5

How We Follow

 "Teach the younger women to be submissive to their husbands.  Then they will not bring shame on the word of God"

Submission.  Such a beautiful, powerful concept yet so greatly misunderstood.  This scripture seems to indicate that if we don't get submission right we run the risk of shaming the word of God.

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Some other translations put it this way:

"That the word of God will not be blasphemed"

"That the word of God will not be dishonored"

"So that no one will malign the word of God"

"Then no one can say insulting things about the word of God."

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Paul compares the marriage relationship to the relationship between Christ and His church.  We must realize that the relationship is not one of master and servant.  It is of lover to beloved.

 

In an article called, "Submission is a Wonderful Weapon", Abigail Dodds writes this: "Submission is the willingly coming under the authority of another...We submit to God who is the Author of our lives and, therefore, our true Authority in every way.  It's from this ultimate submission to God that every other earthly submission makes sense.  He has ordered His world and in our submission to Him, we take our place within that order."

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She continues to explain that when we minimize our command to submit to our husbands we are making light of  our submission to God, Himself.

The Enduring Word Commentary puts it this way:

"There is a mission for the christian marriage and that mission is obeying and glorifying God.  The wife says, "I'm going to put myself under that mission.  That mission is more important than any individual desires.  I'm not putting myself below my husband.  I'm putting myself under the mission God has for our marriage, for my life."

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The misconception is that submission is weakness.  There is actually great strength and power in submission.  And it shouts the gospel to the world.

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As capable, talented, and strong christian women, it can be difficult to embrace this concept. This teaching of Jesus was radical in His time.  Women were not considered worthy of any position of honor.  They were not valued at all and were considered second class in comparison to men.  Jesus elevated women to an equal place.  Women now were to be honored highly by their husbands with equal value in the eyes of the Lord.  Husbands were instructed to love their wives and be willing to die for them as Christ did for the church.  Women were instructed to respect their husbands and submit to their leadership in the home.  This orderly, mutual giving to each other creates not only a loving and peaceful home environment but also demonstrates the relationship between Jesus and the church.

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When we fail to respect our husbands as the leaders of our homes we run the risk of thwarting the plan of God.   I fear that we miss out on the blessings of God by questioning His plan for our marriage.  The easy thing is to demand our own way, or push our own agenda, or manipulate our own desired outcomes.  To be masters of our own destiny.  It takes courage and strength to swim against the current of the culture and our own wishes and to trust God when He asks us to submit to Him, authority figures and our husbands.

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As each person in a family embraces submission and fills their God given roles (Husband to God, Wife to husband, children to parents) then life is beautiful.  Submitting to God's will always brings blessings.  The rebellious spirit brings pain.  Our trust must be in God who always has our best interest in mind.

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SOME WRONG WAYS OF THINKING

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  1. My husband does not lead our family spiritually, therefore I have to do that job.         

           "If a believing women has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living         with her, she must not leave him.  For the believing wife brings holiness to her

       marriage...Don't you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you?"

                                            1 Cor 7:13-14

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      And God still did not charge you with the spiritual leadership within the family.  Live out your calling to be a

           helper to your husband and be the christian  woman God has called you to be.  Honor God, worship Him, teach your                children  about the Lord, respect your husband, and pray that God will strengthen His christian walk.

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   2. My husband does not lead the way I would

       Find ways to respect and appreciate the way your husband leads.  When you begin by understanding his opinions,

       then you have a better chance on having him consider your suggestions.  Instead of forcing your own way, trust God will        work through your husband as you honor him.  Berating your husband and constantly showing displeasure over his                  ideas is disrespectful and easily discourages men from even wanting to lead.

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LEARNING FROM ABIGAIL

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In 1 Sam 25 we are introduced to Nabal and Abigail.  Abigail is described as a sensible and beautiful woman.  Her husband, Nabal was crude and mean.  David asks for kindness to be shown to his men by Nabal as they passed through Nabal's land.  David's men were always kind and protective of Nabal's men, land, and livestock.

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Nabal being the difficult man that he was, did not honor David's request and even said negative things about David.  HIs behavior angered David and David planned to fight Nabal to the death.

 

Nabal's men told Abigail of her husband's provoking behavior and warned her that something terrible was about to take place.  Nabal was inviting trouble to himself, his family, and his servants. 

She was warned that David was angry and coming to fight.

 

Abigail, the sensible women, was now dealing with two hot headed men.  We can learn a lot from how she handled the situation.  She immediately humbled herself and gathered supplies to offer David as she quickly rode out to meet him.

1 Sam 25:23-31

 

WHAT ABIGAIL DID

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Bowed low

She enacted a possible solution to the situation

Took responsibility

Acknowledged her husband's ill temper but asked David to disregard it 

Respected David

Complemented David

Reminded David of His place as a man of God

Pleads with David not to blemish his reputation with this rash act

She reminded David of his greatness

She apologized for her husband's ignorance and cruelty

Waits for the right time to tell her husband what has happened

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DAVID'S RESPONSE

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"Praise the Lord, the God of Israel, who has sent you to meet me today! Thank God for your good sense.  Bless you for keeping me from murder and from carrying out vengeance with my own hands.  Return home in peace.  I have heard what you said.  We will not kill your husband."

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WHAT ABIGAIL DID NOT DO

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She did not ignore her husband's behavior

She did not excuse her husband's behavior

BUT she did not berate Nabal

She did not confront David in anger

She did not disrespect David

She did not go to Nabal right away and attack him for his behavior

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Abigail was submissive to these two men and it was not weakness.  She in her strength handled the threat with wisdom and she chose her words carefully.  She did end up telling Nabal what has happened at the right time and God handled the situation in His own way.  Nabal dies.  "Vengeance is mine, says the Lord."

Abigail becomes David's wife.

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My husband and I think very differently.  I have spent a lot of time trying to push my husband into being what I want him to be, to lead the way I would or think one should.  In doing so I have greatly disrespected my husband by my behavior.  Instead of being disappointed over what I think my husband is not, I should have been respecting him for the man he is.  I should have spent much more time encouraging the leader God has been creating.  I should have been seeing the good in him and embracing who he is.  At the same time my focus should have been on myself and striving to be the best wife and helper I could be as I pray for God's leading for both of us.  My discontentment has created a spirit of dishonor and pulls my husband down.  I have seen how I have been the one to hold my husband back on many occasions from his full potential by my disrespect.  Stepping back, focusing on my role, honoring my husband for who he is in Christ, and praying for God to do great things in our marriage has actually let me see amazing growth. 

Perhaps God has been waiting on my obedience all along!

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I fear I sometimes focus on what my husband is doing that I don't agree with and I miss all the things that God is doing in his life.  I believe in my zeal for the way I think things should be that I neglect my obedience to fill my role in the family. I no longer am a helper to my husband but a thorn in his side. 

These are questions I have asked myself lately. Maybe you can answer them for yourself as well.

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Could it be that I am the reason things aren't the way I want them?

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Could it be that if I would focus on my own obedience to the Lord then God will begin to

bless our marriage in a greater way?

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Could it be that if I embrace my role as respecter and helper to my husband  then

 I will see growth and change in my husband?

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Could it be that if we both get our roles in line with God's order then we will see our marriage and ministry

thrive and flourish like never before?

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Elizabeth Elliott once said:

"Obedience is our business.  The result of that obedience is God's business"

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WOMEN’S ROLES

LESSON 2

GAINING UNDERSTANDING

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As a young christian I once attended a ladies rally. I was so impressed with the speaker that day and although I can not remember her name or where she was from, I clung to a phrase she used and it has been a blessing in my life for many years. She spoke of dealing with difficult people in her life and how God had worked through those situations. Her words weren’t earth shattering and you may say it was not that profound but it pierced me to the heart. She said, “When dealing with people we must always seek to gain understanding.” There are reasons why people act the way they do. Instead of labeling someone and judging quickly, seek to understand their lives, their hearts and your feelings often soften and change.

I have thought about that so often as the years go by and it has helped me in my relationships as I seek to know someone and love someone. In my youth it was easy to quickly make a determination about someone and not put any effort into understanding them.

As wives and mothers God has given us a unique role of helper, as we examined in the last lesson. He has also equipped women with certain qualities to cause them to excel in this role.

GENERAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Men are very compartmentalized. They tend to think of one thing at a time. God has designed men to be protectors, providers, and they are task oriented. Women, on the other hand can think of multiple things at the same time and are better at multi tasking. Women are designed to be nurturers and can feel deeply for others. God asks us to have our primary focus on managing the home while men’s primary role is leadership and provision.

Women tend to be better communicators when it comes to the emotions. While men can set tasks and accomplish them, it often doesn’t take into account the feelings surrounding the action.

Of course there are exceptions but as a general rule these things are true.

Because women are gifted with these tender qualities I believe that we can set the tone in our homes and be that safe place for our family. If we take the time to “gain understanding” with our husbands, and our children we can foster healthy relationships within the home.

The opposite is also true. When we lack understanding of each other there is no peace.

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We adopted our foster son after he had been with us for 4 years. He was 8 years old. He had been taken out of his home at 4 years old due to his mother’s lack of ability to care for him well. At the time the state did not impress upon us the importance of therapy, and the challenges of attachment under these circumstances. As I look back we were not prepared for the difficulties that were inevitably coming. We did not have understanding, nor were we encouraged to gain understanding.

At 18 he left home and I was devastated. He no longer called me mom and all I felt was hurt. I had given so much and this was the way he thanked me? Lack of understanding lead to no peace, and anger, and broken relationships.
We sought help from a counselor and she was able to shed light on our situation. She explained what was going on in our son’s mind and heart and I was able to understand. I could love deeper and patiently wait until he grew through his emotions.

I wish I had known. I wish I had been prepared. I wish I had gained understanding sooner. God has healed and restored our relationship and I will always be mom now. I praise Him for being the God of restoration. But the lack of understanding caused pain for years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are called to be helpers. We spoke about how we are to help as God helps. I also think that God can be our example also as we seek to understand.

Our God knows us intimately!

Psalm 139: 1-4 “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You discern my thoughts from afar...even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.”

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Nahum 1:7. “The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble, He knows those who take refuge in Him.”

He knows our daily routines. He understands our thoughts. He is aware of our needs. We are fully known and loved by our Heavenly Father.

We can seek understanding in the same way.

Prov. 3:13. “Blessed is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding.”

Prov 16:16 “How much better to get wisdom than gold! To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.”

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Matt. 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers for they should be called the children of God”

Hebrews 12:14 “Pursue peace with everyone, as well as holiness, without which no one will see the Lord.”

Rom. 14:19. “So then, let us pursue what leads to peace and to mutual edification.”

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HAVING YOUR FINGER ON THE PULSE OF YOUR FAMILY

 

1.) Take the time to communicate with family members individually about their thoughts, desires, and struggles. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Show compassion and interest as they share. (This is more important than any household chore that needs to be done.)

 

2.) Find opportunities to grow as a couple. Attend events that focus on marriage. Read books together. Watch helpful podcasts.

 

3.) As you face behaviors that upset you seek to find out what is going on underneath. Don’t react right away before you pray and ponder what might be causing such behavior.

 

4.) Educate yourself with material that can enlighten you to the psychology of behavior. Our past experiences make us what we are. As we understand what may have contributed to our behavior it helps us find ways to change.

 

5.) Don’t be ashamed to admit we struggle. But don’t be closed to the fact that God can heal.

 

6.) Realize that it is a great calling to be the one who helps people understand. It is also a great burden. It takes sacrifice to put others first instead of just blaming and being angry. Selfishness will want to creep in and must be fought!

 

7.) It is exhausting sometimes. Have a trusted person in your life who can partner with you in prayer over your relationships.

 

8.) Remember that it is all worth it. It is worth every tear, every hard conversation, every feeling of rejection, every sleepless night to be the one who relentlessly seeks understanding, peace and love. There will be eternal blessings!

 

Galatians 6 : 7-10 “Do not be deceived; God is not to be mocked. Whatever a man sows, he will reap in return. The one who sows to please his flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; but the one who sows to please the Spirit, from Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to the family of faith.”

 

Some suggestions for resources

How We Love.                                                                                                Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Laugh your way to a better Marriage The Grace Marriage                        Mark Gungor

The Grace Marriage                                                                                       Brad and Marilyn Rhoads

You and Me Forever                                                                                       Francis and Lisa Chan                                                         

 5 Love Languages                                                                                        Gary Chapman


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