Loving Our Children
Do you remember when you first found out you were pregnant? In one of my first blog posts entitled, "Oh the fear, Oh the guilt", I share how motherhood can certainly challenge the emotions. To realize that now you are responsible for a totally dependent individual can be terrifying!!
Suddenly you worry about everything.
Hopping on the back of my husband's motorcycle and taking a ride never concerned me at all until our first baby came on the scene. When I became a parent, suddenly I was all about selling the bike. I did not want to become a single mom due to a motorcycle accident.
Motherhood changes you!
It can rock your confidence for sure!
We can sometimes fear that we are not doing a good job.
We may even think occasionally, "I have ruined my child."
Susan Yates, a speaker and author who is often featured on Family Life Today, once said,
"Your ability to ruin your child is not nearly as great as God's ability to redeem him or her"
God's plan for our children far outweighs our parenting mishaps and mistakes.
Heb. 7:25 "Therefore He is able once and forever to save those who come to God through Him. He lives forever to intercede with God on their behalf."
Rom 8:34 "Who then will condemn us? No one. For Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and He is sitting in the place of honor at God's right hand pleading for us."
As important as a mom's role is, it is not all up to us. Our job is not to do it all. We don't have enough power. Our job is to be obedient and to Pray, Pray, Pray!
I remember one of the moments when I felt like I was failing as a mom. My four boys were forever arguing and fighting with each other and I was so upset about it. I tried all my moves to get them to listen and to stop bugging each other all the time. One evening I was in tears because I felt that they would never grow up to treat each other well. I went to Frank and said, "What am I doing wrong? They are not listening to me and they keep fighting with each other." His response shocked me. He said, "Debbie, you need to tell God this is His problem." I thought that was quite arrogant of me to talk to God in such a manner. Frank continued, "God has the power to change our boy's hearts. Pray that He will work in them to develop the character of Jesus. The power is not in your efforts but in God's ability to change them."
The best piece of advice I was given as a young mom was from a homeschooling friend of mine. I was worried about getting the best curriculum for my children to use. When I asked her about this she said,
"Teach your children Christian Character and everything else will fall into place."
I admit that I did not believe her. I did not grasp it at the time she offered it to me. But now that I am on the other side of home educating I can say without a shadow of a doubt that she was 100% correct!!
Susan Yates agrees. She once said, "Character is more important that accomplishment." That is a hard truth to embrace in this achievement driven culture. We can get caught up in competition on who's children excel. Who is on the best sports team? Who is going to the best college? Who has the best dance instructor, music teacher, etc. Our focus can easily become our children's abilities and not his or her character.
In this new series, Loving our Children, I want to examine some tips together on how we can help shape our children's character and love them well. How we can help develop in them healthy attachment styles so they can grow to be well adjusted adults
It is possible, with God's help to move beyond our fears, insecurities, and past hurts to feel comfortable in our parenting. Despite our mistakes and inabilities we can learn how to debelop good and healthy patterns of parenting.
In the book, How We Love our Kids, Milan and Kay Yerkovich suggest encouraging our children in three specific areas.
Self Awarness
Feeling emotions and dealing with them
Conflict resolution
SELF AWARNESS
It is very important to help children understand themselves and the things they like and dislike. It is a skill to be able to express what you are feeling inside. Some children will be great at this but others may struggle to verbalize their emotions.
Two great tips are to use questions and listening and to use the help of a feelings wheel. Take time to allow children to share what they are feeling. Don't trivialize the feelings. Make sure you are a safe place where kids can tell you anything and they know that you will respectfully listen to them.
If children have a difficult time determining what they are feeling, a feelings wheel may help. This is a chart that lists emotions. Children can look at the words and pick the best word that describes what they are feeling.
Remember! Acknowledging feelings does not mean that you accept inappropriate responses to that feeling. Words like, "I know you are angry because you can't have ice cream now but you can not scream at me. Let's think of something else that you want that you can have."
I used to have a sign on my refrigerator that read, "It's ok to be mad but it is not ok to be bad."
FEELING AND DEALING
When we respectfully listen to children and seriously hear their feelings in a non judgmental and caring environment, we set the stage for them to begin to learn how to deal with the emotions. It is in these moments of sharing that we as parents can guide them into the character of Jesus.
For instance, when dealing with anger we can use scriptures that teach us how to deal with our anger. We can acknowledge that our child is angry and then talk about what they can appropriately do to overcome their anger. Often just having a safe place to share a feeling is enough for a child to move beyond the hurt. Giving them a place to talk it out is so important.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Often our deepest emotions come when there is conflict in our lives. Conflict is difficult for anyone and especially for children. It is a blessing to have parents who take the time to help children learn the skills of conflict resolution. Teaching children to appreciate differences in people and to respect another person's right to think differently is crucial! Again, this is where we teach character development. We help our children identify feelings. We validate those feelings and then we help them deal with those emotions.
Christ's teachings are to consider others as more important than ourselves. The scriptures also teach that if we have conflict with another we should go to them and seek to resolve the matter. We can aslo teach our children what not to do when conflict arises; gossip, slander, retaliation, etc.
We can model the Godly way to deal with conflict. We can pray with our children and be there to walk them through steps that will help resolve the issues. I once required my arguing son and daughter to go into a bedroom together and talk about their conflict. They were instructed not to come out until they had reached a resolution to their problem.
In all these things we seek to comfort our children in their emotional stress. When our kids know that they can safely seek comfort from us, be heard, and be believed, we can be confident that they will share with us in times of need. And together we can go to the one who can change hearts and minds. We can pray together to the God of comfort and healing! The time it takes to help our children with their emotions is well worth it. It will bring forth a harvest of righteousness!! It will set our kids up for being emotionally healthy and one day to be great parents as well.
STUDY QUESTIONS
1) Am I a good listener when my children talk to me?
2) Am I good at expressing my own emotions?
3) Am I able to see how my children's problems are great to them when maybe they seem small to us?
4) Do I sometimes get annoyed at my children's emotions?
5. Where can I improve in creating a safe environment for my kids to share with me?